Sunday, 6 February 2011


I have not long heard the very sad news about Amanda Holden and the loss of her baby. According to news reports the Britain's Got Talent Judge, who was seven months pregnant, went to Hospital in London on Tuesday when she noticed the baby had stopped moving. Despite the best efforts of doctors, the baby boy was stillborn.

I admit I was very upset when I read this, and my thoughts were not only with Amanda, and what she and her husband Chris must be going through, but also very much made me think about my own experience of loosing a baby late on in pregnancy. I thought of my special little man, who I crave every single day of my life for just one more cuddle. Those early days after the loss of my baby, were quite surreal. It was like I was floating around, not really with it. We had a funeral to sort. I went with my husband to various places we thought may be appropriate for a special little get together to remember Joshua, and this whilst milk meant for him, my darling tiny son who I was burying,  was literally pouring out of me, like tears. The hospital offered me the choice of taking some medication to stop my milk coming in, but in my thinking I wanted to feel close to him and wanted proof that yes, I had had a baby, he was not with me, but he had existed, and was a very real person who was created out of love and the hope of a wonderful future for him. It was a long long time till his milk went, like him I didn't want to let it go.

I would never dream of telling Amanda and Chris how to cope, what to feel. We all react very differently, and we must do what works for us. It helps me to talk about my experience, get my feelings out. Does this mean I haven't got over it. Well for the record, I shall never get over it, never forget, possibly like Amanda won't. Of course, things DO get easier and I had so much love and support from people around me, who for just a little while carried me along whilst I got emotionally stronger and I know in my heart although is sad my baby is not with me, I am happy I experienced carrying him and giving birth to him. I don't know exactly what Amanda Holden is going through, but do know that when you lose a baby, one unwittingly joins this club of women who only each other knows what it is like, and the pain it brings. Of course the fathers too should never be forgotten about in all of this. Sometimes women and men talk about their experience, sometimes they don't. No right no wrong.

For me I had wonderful support from Sands  They have a very moving and gentle book, called A Star for Bobby aimed at brothers and sisters in the family and has a special place in Miss. Poppins' bookshelves. Sometimes, we feel like we want a little read of it, and are always touched by the story. In my next pregnancy the best information and advice I could hope for was from Tommy's and I went on to have my own special hero, Master Poppins, born at 29 weeks. It was not an easy ride, but he fought all the way and is the most charming and wonderful little four year old, who my love for grows stronger and stronger all the time.

So my heart goes out to Amanda and her family, I do think it must be quite hard going through this in the glare of the public eye, but she shall have so much support and love of all those around her.

* Thank you so much for your heartfelt comments on this post, I have been very touched and moved by them *


  1. Oh sweetie, thats a beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us today.
    Im 28 weeks pregnant now and i too cried when i read about Amanda and Chris' devastation, im heartbroken for them, and for all the other families who have had to endure this most awful awful saying a few little prayers this evening and i will think of you all...All my love,Kirsty xxxx

  2. Beautiful post, you have put in to word what I still can not bring myself to do after 18 months.

    Thank you x

  3. Such a lovely post, and your tribute to your son is beautiful.

  4. Sweet Mary, how brave and beautiful this post is. I can only imagine, as I sit weeping after watching your wonderful tribute to your sweet boy, how much you suffer. Thank you for sharing your story x

  5. *** hugs n kisses to you *** from one Mummy with angel babies to another
    I've posted on my blog this morning a quilt made in memory of an angel baby

  6. (((((Mary)))))))
    It is such very sad news. I know your wonderful boy lives constantly in your heart. Much love xxx

  7. Oh Mary. Lovely post and my heart goes out to you and Amanda. Big hugs. xxx

  8. Dear Mary,
    Sending you a hug, I think all mums are affected by hearing of the loss of a baby, and it will be all the more painful for mums such as yourself who have lost a child.

    Beautiful words.

    Beautiful memories of Joshua

    Love Lydia

  9. No words. Just wanted to remember with you, for you. And thank you for reminding others.

    Much love x

  10. I gasped when I read about it yesterday, tragic. A moving post...

  11. Thinking of you all! It was not until I was pregnant and had Sophie that I could even comprehend the loss of a baby or child. I just know now that I would find it hard to carry on.

  12. What a truly beautiful and moving post. I too like so many out there know the loss of a child, to read such a lovely post and feel such a memory is beautiful.
    You are in my thoughts this evening,
    With much love,
    Andrea x

  13. I felt very sad for Amanda and her husband too when I read it. I remember watching Joshua's montage on your blog once before and feeling very moved and numbed with tears in my eyes.

  14. Losing the baby so late is extremely tragic. At that point it is a child that's particularly saddening. Even me - career-focussed-not-interested-in-children - was deeply saddened by the news that she had lost her baby. xx

  15. Hello Mary; I didn't know you had lost a baby too. Much love from one who knows all too well how dreadful it is to experience that sort of loss.

  16. Although I can't begin to comprehend what losing a baby must be like, I too cried when I heard about Amanda's loss. Tears are pricking my eyes now having watched your beautiful tribute to darling Joshua. Lots of love xxx

  17. Hello
    Do you ever read the blog, The Further Adventures of a Thrifty Mrs. She had a similar experience and wrote a post on her blog a while ago about it. It was very moving. She said she still misses the little one and sometimes feels people have forgotten him. It means a lot to remember I think.
    Thankyou for sharing this experience. I hope you hve love and support and happy times ahead.
    Tracy x

  18. Mary, you are so brave to share this and be so honest. I have always admired you for this.

    I thank God every single day for my little girl. I can't imagine how hard it is to lose a child, sadly my darling daughter is having to deal with the loss of her half brother (my ex and his new wife) it's been a year now but she is still devastated and her dad and his wife don't talk to her about James.

    It breaks my heart that I can't fx it for her, I can't make it better and I don't feel it the same way, but all I can do is hold her and love her and be there for her.

    Sometimes it is so very hard and it must be even worse for you

    Thinking of you

    April xx


Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. X