Thursday, 29 April 2010

Coming To Find You, Ready Or Not....

Ohooo dear I have been here before, and each time I come back again, the feeling grows stronger and stronger. I am not attention seeking, I am not looking for pleeease dont go's and a million comments. I am feeling impulsive. I am hovering over that delete blog button. Have I come to the end of my blog road. Or actually, is the fact that after nearly two years of blogging, and I feel like I am really only at the beginning of my life journey, have I got so much more to give. Have you ever hovered.

I need a kick up the you know whatsit to make me stop feeling so sorry for myself. I feel like my life is like the waltzers, going round, and round, and round, yet I am never really achieving anything. Mondays to Sunday's all merge into one.

Yes, having my family is the greatest gift I have been given, but where am I in all of this. The actress, the air-hostess, the worker, the wage earner, the social lover of parties, high heeling mini skirt wearing lady I kinda loved and knew so well. The lipstick, the nails, the parties are no more. Has she gone never to return. Should I accept who I have become. Is 36 too old to get back on that ladder....

 I am bored, is it so wrong to admit that being only a mummy is making me feel insecure. I need more to make me feel worthwhile, more than a lovely kiss on the forehead every morning and I love yous from the husband.

*sigh* what I need to do is get off here and do something about finding me again. Though if I am honest, I am scared that I wont find her....

If you happen to have a cold, wet fish in your hand, would you kindly and promptly slap me with it, thank you....



  1. Thought I was reading one of my posts for a minute! I guess we all feel like this. At 36 I wonder if this is it for me? I love my family and my sons but sometimes, I would like to be me again, the real me, not the cooker and cleaner and general skivvy and lean to. Maybe one day! I hope you manage to find yourself again too! Love and hugs xxx

  2. Go find yourself and be You, chances are you'll be a very different you to the you you used to be.
    Follow those dreams, don't be scared because she is there, just hiding.
    As I tell Jess, 'you can be anything you want to be'.
    Love and ((hugs))

    B xxx

  3. Mary,

    I know that feeling so well. Must be something to do with the age of 36! My youngest will be in full time school by the end of September. I am both excited and scared. I plan to take my time and have real blooming think about my life and what I want from it. I miss the 20 somthing Goth girl. The party animal. But I know that time has gone (Hangover and children a lethal combination that I can only deal with every once in a while. And I think my girls would scream if they saw me dressed as I used too!lol then I would scream too when I looked in the mirror. There was definately less of me back then.)

    Good luck with your journey of self discovery. And there is no reason why you cant blog about that too. If you so choose.

    Take care.

    MBB x

    P.S. I have e-mailed you hope you got it.

  4. sometimes we all have these doubts about ourselves. all I can say is follow your dreams and one day you will find yourself, maybe not next week, or even next year, but sometime in the future you will find out who you really are. xx

  5. i havent even had my first yet and i am still wondering who or what i am!i have deleted my blog a few times(i dont think anyone noticed lol)but have always come back..i like the idea of belonging to something..and i dont have a clue where i would start anyway..good luck-if you know what you want to do,then defintily go for it..

  6. Me too! I love my husband, kids and home, but do I love my life - not so sure? I appreciate that I have been blessed with the 3 Little Darlings, but I sometimes want to stand on a hill and shout at the top of my voice 'what about me'????? Husband and I NEVER go out together, but he goes out (and away) with his friends. I wonder if they would miss me if I wasn't here any more? Now, more importantly back to you, my dear. This is a particularly bad time for you, so don't go doing anything rash right now. Give yourself some time out (this is do as I say and not as I do), and try not to push yourself. You still are the person you once were, just wiser!xxxxx

  7. Here's the big wet fish, as requested *schlop* There... Better? Probably not - how about a blog hug instead (*squeeze*)

    I've felt the same - now I'm a "mummy" am I anything else? Going to work helps as then I'm also marketing manager extraordinaire, as well as blogger, wife and mummy. Are the any 'am dram' groups near you that you could get involved with to fulfil your actress dreams?

    Don't delete your blog, not without starting another. It's good to share thoughts on here as well as crafting stuff so keep posting. Hope you're feeling a bit brighter soon - here's another blog hug *squeeeeze* xox

  8. I know exactly how you are feeling! I have lovely hubby and 2 beautiful girls and am very grateful. However, at 39 I am starting to get the eeek moments more and more, if that makes sense. I feel as though I should have some sort of definite plan and that everyone around me has one and won't share, lol! Anyway just to say you are not alone apparently there are a few of us in this boat. Elissa x

  9. Blimey since when did I tell you you could break into my home, rifle through my diary and then, cheek of cheeks,publish extracts?!!!!!!! LOL
    Don't press delete - you'll regret it - so will we. Take time - make a list of what you wanna do - then how yer gonna do it & remember we can all be who we wanna be.
    Next week I'm gonna be a size 14 author :) (In me dreams!!)

  10. I remember when I got to 35, very similar feelings. Time moved on, my daughter is no longer dependent on us and I must say I feel 'younger' now at nearly 42 than I did in my twenties. I do think everyone needs an 'outside' life, something thats nothing to do with family or partner, something that belongs to just you. It could be a job, club or hobby. Mines a bit of all three, a club thats of interest and just happens to pay me well! I also go the gym, more for 'headphones on me time' and also the changing room banter with the girls. Always makes me feel good after. Take care.

  11. I really hope you find what you're looking for Mary. But, as Crafting in the Beach Hut said, don't delete your blog - once it's gone, it's gone for good. Maybe you need to take a blogging break, take the pressure off yourself for a couple of months and then see how you feel. You need to be true to yourself though, and not do anything just because you feel you ought to.
    R xx

  12. Hi Mary,
    Just been looking at my blog lines and seen just how many people are feeling exactly the same, I do think I have run out of steam in terms of my blog atm, but don't delete it, your blog is like your diary and i'm pretty sure you wouldn't just chuck that out (knowing the hoarder you are!!)
    Take a little break.
    Take a little time to be Mary

  13. These sentiments seem to run straight through the core of us mums! Its OK to feel like this and sometimes will spur us into making a few changes. I remember when I hit 31 and felt this way, I called a friend who I thought had the "ideal life". I dropped everything and went to stay with her for two days (should have been four). In this time I realised that her life was far from perfect as I had imagined and made me wake up to how beautiful (even when its crappy) my life was!
    These feelings will pass but they are there for a reason.....for you to learn by.
    Keep smiling your lovely smile hun

  14. Please dont go, you are one of my favourites ! xxxxxx

  15. It's never too old to get back on the ladder! I'm 52 and still trying to figure things out! I think we have all felt the way you do right now, at one point in our lives. That's OK though. Just do what you love. Your family will still be there, and you will be happier for following your heart. So start climbing!

  16. Sorry to read that you are feeling the way you are. We all feel like that at some time in our life. It won't be long before I am my mid forties! I remember not looking forward to being 40...I agree with Bekimarie, you CAN be anything you want to be.
    My age or the fact that I have a family isn't going to stop me completely from doing what I like.

    I give Miss P time and play with her but she also knows that she has to let others be themselves and do what they want to do. It's getting the balance right of course. I don't seek to go back to my 20's, I just want to be happy at this age doing the things which interest me now. My tastes have changed over the years.

    I am focusing more on my health and fitness compared to when I was younger. I am devoting a lot more time to my passion for vintage things. Despite the ups and downs, and there have been many downs for me over the last few years, I remain positive and stay focused on what I want to achieve even if it takes me a bit longer to get there.
    The point I'm making is that you are still young enough to do plenty with your life. Make a list of what you'd like to do then make a plan of action.

    Good luck. You could blog about your new life plans perhaps...
    Take care ;-)
    Isabelle x

  17. Hands asway from that delete button.

    Change the tone of your blog if thats the direction you want to go but dont delete it.

    Use it to ponder new ventures in life, to blog about what happened when you try new things or about how you are feeling.

    Having your blog is something for you, you are more than just a wife and mother and you can use your blog to show that.

  18. I've been feeling a little bit like this recently. Sometimes I wonder what to blog about. Most of the time I can't find the time to blog even if I do think of something! That's why my latest post is just of the stuff coming up in the garden - half of which is weeds. I'm going to be 45 this year and that's having quite an impact for some reason. Since my two youngest are only 3 years and 10 months respectively it's going to be a long time before I get a bit of 'me' back. At the moment I'm knitting a shawl because it's simple and makes me feel as if I'm still able to do something 'crafty'. I'll probably never wear it! Once both the kids are in school/nursery I'm going to get my pre-baby body back, sort out my garden once and for all, bake nice things, take a jewellry making course, and have a go at upholstery! Don't delete!

  19. Well I can't add as much as what everyone else has said as I'm really struggling with words at the moment, but you've read my poem Mary, so please know you are not alone. I have to push myself really hard to get anything done at the moment. It is not easy. {hugs}}

  20. Lots of love, kisses and hugs!!

  21. Nah stick with it Mary P....cos your blog is great......maybe you could be a writer, I think you have lots of special talents......
    Today, I taught the class all by myself for over an hour......I was watched by someone, she said I have all the makings of a teacher, but you know what I can't be bothered to!
    I think to sum me up.....I'm a jill of all trades master of none....
    All I want to do is make jam and wear a fact my dream job would be Doctor Who's side kick......maybe I should try acting!
    *Mel stops dreaming*
    I'm 38 and I think its never to late to go back to something you love or re-train, with so many courses to choose from you can be spoilt for choice.....why not have a look online and see what you can find.....I agree tho blogging eats time........hence why I've taken a break....I've got so much done, including applying for new jobs and also *grin* some house work!xxxxxxx

  22. I will throw some balls of wool at you instead.(i mean that in a nice way). You sound restless, I remember it so well, go and find yourself. I agree with everyone. Its scarey but it will be exciting too. best wishes Julie.C

  23. Oh dear... the thirties.... the age of wondering if this is our lot and what if this really is our lot? will we go completely insane or will we survive? I often wonder how my mum coped as my dad was a typical old fashioned man did very little around the house had nothing to do with the children and we were firmly told "do not bother or disturb your father..." hence I spent my secondary school aged days at anyone elses house but my own! lol...
    I am stuggling at the moment... and to be honest I would happily move away again so that my children were my own and I could selfishly keep all my weekends to myself and my family rather than be pulled from pillar to post to do chores and accomodate everyone elses plans... however I don't think I could bear to loose my blogland friends and regardless of where I live I will always have them, I have met some really beautiul people and they are at times my saviours as they put a smile on my face when I need it most...
    You must do whatever you feel is the right choice for you, if you choose to take a break then we'll not judge you or mind... but be sure to know that we will miss you very much...

    big hugs

  24. It's a mid-life crisis. Snap out of it it. It'll pass.

    Was that wet fish enough?

    ...and don't go, I've only just discovered your blog!!

  25. Mary, I thought I'd share something with you. I bought a little wallet card on my 18th birthday when living in the US and have carried it around with me ever since. This is what is says....

    Believe in yourself to the depth of your being,
    Nourish the talents your spirit is freeing.

    Know in your heart when the going gets slow, that your faith in yourself will continue to grow.

    Don't forfit ambition when others may doubt, it's your life to live - you must live it throughout.

    Learn from your errors - don't dwell on the past, never withdraw from a world that is vast,

    Believe in yourself; find the best that is you, let your spirit prevail; steer a course that is true.

    - Bruce B. Wilmer.

    I hope this inspires you in the same way it did me.

    Take care, lots of love,
    Jane. x

  26. I was feeling exactly the same approaching my 40th birthday a couple of weeks ago and then completely out of the blue I got offered a really nice job and its been fab! I feel completely liberated going out to work again after a couple of years at home. Its great to have something else apart from family in your life (as wonderful as that is). Its nice to feel financially independent again too and to have conversations with adults. Don't delete you blog though. I love it!

  27. ....And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years...
    (Abraham Loncoln)

  28. (((mary)))
    patch was brought forward a couple of years through my boredom and insecurity at being 'just' a I do understand where you are coming from xxxxx
    I'll be honest January and february were very dark months for me and I came very close to packing my bags as I wondered if this is it., is this as exciting as life gets..I was 36 then, perhaps its a crucial age to take stock????
    I sound ungrateful..I love my husband and all my boys and I count my blessings daily, but I need to be important too (stamps feet shouting me me me lol!!!)
    Do whatever you want to can be Mary and wife and mum xxxx

  29. Hello hun, sorry you're feeling the way you are at the moment....
    I just want to share a little something with you hun.

    The last three years have been the worst years of my life and I finally hit rock bottom lasyt year.
    After being married for over 20years things were very 'samey'....but then depression decided to share our lives and it put a huge strain on our marriage, family life and day to day living. My boys no longer 'needed' me, work was so very stressful and on top of all that I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
    I'm a firm believer that a positive always comes from a negative....well I have to say since those gloomy days I've found blogging, loads of new ventures, Tilly Rose and my goodness do I feel soooo different!
    I finally feel happy with where I am with 'me' right now.I will be 45 in Sept and finally feel I've worked out what I want to do with my life...although still trying to get it right on a daily basis!

    Take a break from blogging and give yourself time to sit back and enjoy the little things in life hunny...we'll all still be here.

    Write a list of all the lovely things you enjoy doing....then indulge...

    I hope I don't sound bolshy or trying to telling what to do.
    If you feel up to it hunny drop me an

    Love n hugs hunny
    Karen x x x

  30. it's nice to hear someone who is honest about the whole family thing. all I hear is 'oh life is just peachy having kids' from all and sundry, and I'm made to feel like some sort of social leper for not wanting any! if it's any consolation, I don't think it's just having kids that stops you partying etc. I have days where I think 'if I didn't have this house I could go traveling' etc. The thing is I bet there are twice as many 30 year olds living with mum who would give their right arm to be in my position. That's how I get through dark patches (hardly have any now so must be working) - I try to think about how trivial my problems are in relation to others'. For example, you are lucky to be able to afford kids and to not have to work etc, I wouldn't be able to even if I wanted to. Try not to be too hard on yourself and chillax!! :-) It's not the end of the world!

  31. i will happily slap you!!!!
    what are you talking about woman...see i'm angry, i'm calling you 'woman' now!!
    You are so much more than just a have a buisness.
    By all means go find yourself...but do not put yourself down in the meantime!!

    By the way, thank you so much for the lovely cushion and notepapers...i love!!!! it has pride of place on the sofa in my work room. xxx

  32. No, don't do that because where would I go when I was in a pink phase? I would have to go somewhere else and you wouldn't really like that, would you!
    Blessings, Star

  33. hey I'm 51 and getting that 'meaning of life' feeling too! I don't think its an age thing so much as a circumstances/identity thing, don't worry, it would be a shame to give up your blog - just give it a holiday! you will come back refreshed I am sure. missing you already!

  34. I just think that there are times (sometimes many) in our lives when we feel just like you are feeling right now. I often feel a bit like you do now, even though my children have grown and gone. You just have to be true to yourself. I sometimes feel like deleting my blog too! Quite often lately, if the truth be told! Suzie xxxx

  35. Oh Mary what are we to do with you? I haven't reached this stage yet and hope not to actually, so can't really offer much advice. But I do think you need to find something that sounds fun again adn make that your job. Don't make it second in line make it the most important thing in the world. Your family will thank you for it as you will become a happy person again.

    You are so caring and loving and there are so many openings for special people just like you. Write down a list of things that excite you and start there. No wet fish here, just big warm hugs for you ((()))

  36. I am always shocked at how much time just being a mum takes up , i feel like there is no time for me !

    Sending you a hug as i dont seem to have a fish to hand ;)

    Sara x

  37. I started writing my blog as a way of finding out more about myself. I used my blog as a way of setting myself a challenge... One year to change my life by embracing being creative. I knew if I stated publicly that I was wanting to change my life I would have to do it! I get the feeling of wanting to shake things up too. I'm really looking forward to seeing what you decide to do. Sometimes the best things happen because we've decided we want to change. I'm wishing you joy and happiness as you follow your path.

  38. Ok I have read this post and lots of the comments and it seems to be clear that everyone has these stages in life whether you are a stay at home mum with the same routine everyday and little contact with adults or you are a working girl that longs for something else in your life at the minute. So my advice is....

    -Have some ME time to yourself- write down a list of things you would like to do and then aim for those

    -Allocate time for things you like to do, be it crafts, gardening, art, writing, sport, etc..

    -Join a club maybe your local village/ town group, a history group, parent and toddler, anything your into.

    -Sign yourself up for volunteering, which you are under no obligation to do when it doesn't suit you

    -Start a course, part time, distance learning, evening class- be it community development, interior design, childcare, whatever you like

    -On Sunday go somewhere you like and bring the whole family

    -Catch up with friends and family- have them over for lunch or just for a tea and chat

    Hope this helps a little bit

    And if you do some of these things share them on your blog with us all :)

    All things nice...

  39. Ahhhh sweet we all have days like that, however, I (in my old fashioned values way of thinking) we should never under estimate the importance of being a Mum and a Wife. We have a very important job. We're raising the next generation . . .
    Look after you xxx
    PS: I have down days too and hmmm I'm 36 too so it must be an age thing LOL and hey I look hot hot hot vacumning in my high heels and lipstick and apron and hey hubby gets a smile too LOL so it can't be all bad tee hee


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