Friday, 12 June 2009

Happy Birthday Baby Joshua....

It is someone very special's 4th birthday, yet sadly, he is not with us and I miss him so very much. He was my son, born so very prematurely, who hung on so very well, but was too small and too weak. He was born weighing 1lb 9ozs.




 Life of course goes on, and time is a healer and I am truly blessed and lucky that 14 months later I had the most gorgeous and precious little boy, who, even after being born 11 weeks early and weighing 3 lbs, is here safe, well, and the love I have for him astounds me at times.

I do however sometimes find it hard to come to terms with the fact that my most sweet little baby, with 10 perfect little fingers and 10 perfect little toes, I shall never see grow up. Have no idea what he would look like, won't see him go to school, get married or have a loving family of his own. It is the hopes and dreams of eagerly looking forward to bringing a new member of the family into your life and then, for those hopes and dreams to be so cruelly snatched away, hurts.

The sun is so very bright and happy and I know he is here watching over us, proud of his big sister who coped so well, and gave him the most precious cuddle a sister could give her brother. Proud of his so very special little brother. We are going to have a happy day, and I am going to enjoy every precious moment with my children. Mr. Poppins has taken the day off work, it is Miss. Poppins sports day and we are going to have a special tea with cake, Mmmmm yummy :)

I always remind myself how lucky we were to have him, to hold him, to see him, that is something I shall forever treasure :)


X

39 comments:

  1. i will be thinking of you all today Mary
    ((hugs))

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  2. Love to you and your family.

    Fleur
    x

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  3. My thoughts are with you today. x

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  4. Words are completely inadequate, but I am thinking and praying for you and your family on this sad day. Joshua is smiling for you in the sunshine.

    Hugs

    Lots of Love

    April xx

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  5. Thank You for sharing your heart... i have lost a son too, see my last post my heart goes out to you today for you, and yours xxx Kieren

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  6. you know I'm thinking of you Mary xx

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  7. Thinking of you Mary - lots of love x

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  8. Mary I will be thinking of you today and am very pleased to share my birthday with a special little man. Hope you have a lovely day with your family xxxx

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  9. Mary ... Joshua - such a beautiful name for such a beautiful little man. Lots of hugs sweetie ... xxx

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  10. My heart goes out to you and your family today. Its hard when you lose a baby no matter at what stage. I lost my first at nearly 3 months. I always say time doesnt heal the hurt but you learn to live with that gap. Of sorts.

    Hugs to you take care.



    MBBx

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  11. thinking of you today..sending hugsxxx
    charlx

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  12. Your words are touching me deeply.
    I send you and your family my solicitousness.

    Cornelia

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  13. I am thinking of you!
    Hugs,
    Marianne.

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  14. I can only imagine how you feel...
    My daughter (and I) were both born premature, so my mother and I have both been through the trauma of neonatal intensive care, having a "small" baby, incubators, long-line feeding, being told they cannot do anymore and that only time will tell if baby will make it. Fortunately I survived, but was a month in hospital, and my daughter was the same (spookily history repeated itself almost exactly) and I count myself very lucky to have her. I remember the fear when she did not cry at birth, every day dreading going back to the unit in case of bad news, how i felt sick the days when she got worse. I really feel for you. I don't think you will ever forget your angel, but I hope in time the pain is not so much XXX

    Rose XXX

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  15. Big hug from me Mary......your a lovely Mummy and I'm sure your Angel baby knows that and is smiling down at you....because you will always be his special Mummy....xxxxx

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  16. my thoughts and prayers are with you hunni.
    (((((hugs)))))

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  17. huge (((((((hugs)))))) for you and your family Mary xxx

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  18. Have been thinking of you today ((hugs))xx

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  19. I have just read your post and I would like to thank you for sharing your precious memories with us.

    Today must be especially hard for you, and I can only imagine that every day is painful.

    Thinking of you.

    Kind regards, Nicola x

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  20. Oh that is so sad. I can't imagine the pain you must go through, I'm not surprised you don't get over it. It's just the worst thing imaginable. I will be thinking of you today too and wish you all happiness. xxx

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  21. Love, hugs and butterfly kisses to you all.

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  22. Had a tear today for you Mary, i do understand, i often sit and imagine what they would have been like ......... it was not to be.

    A mothers love can flood an ocean of tears, through the saddest years...
    A smile often passes her lips as the wind blows a magical kiss from a child gone before, through heavens opened door, my child is always with me.

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  23. Hello,
    I just stumbled upon your lovely blog and am sitting here in tears.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am very sorry for your loss.

    We lost our baby girl, Norah, on Mother's Day 3 years ago, and it still hurts. There is no timetable for grief.

    Like you, I have also been blessed with beautiful, healthy children, including my son Joshua who turned 5 last week.

    Wishing you peace and comfort today and always!

    ~Michelle

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  24. My thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time. Hope that you have a nice day nonetheless.

    *hugs*

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  25. Hello lovely lady, i just found you through a friend at lavenderhouse and have tears in my eyes reading your brave and moving tribute. my son is 4 on sunday 14th, 2 days time and very excited. i lost two babies before him so every day i value how special he is and lucky i am. as i had early miscarriages i can't imagine the devastation you suffered. my heart goes out to you and your deeply missed boy. i also have an 8yr old girl who cherishes her brother though was sheltered from knowing about the others. i'm very proud of your big girl too. they teach us so much about acceptance our little people. i hope you can find peace and hope in this sad week. x

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  26. All my love to you Mary,

    God bless, Rasp xx

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  27. ((((Mary & Family))))
    As I've said before, it is still early days, 4 years is not a long time at all.
    You are in my prayers xxx

    Love and blessings
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  28. Mary, I wanted to share this poem with you. It was read out at a funeral of a friend who lost her little boy too. It's a poem by Judi Walker.

    Don't tell me

    Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
    Unless you have lost your child too,
    Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
    Because that is just not true,
    Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
    Though it is true, I want him here with me,
    Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
    Beyond today I cannot see,
    Don’t tell me it is time to move on,
    Because I cannot,
    Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,
    Because denial is something I can't stop,
    Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
    Because I wanted more,
    Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
    I'll never be as I was before,
    What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
    That you will listen when I talk of my child,
    You can share with me my precious memories,
    You can even cry with me for a while,
    And please don't hesitate to say his name,
    Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
    Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
    But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

    Lots of love Mary!
    xxxxx

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  29. I'm a little late to this but just wanted to send you and your family my love xx

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  30. What a beautiful post. sorry if I make any msitakes I can't see to type through my tears. Do take care of you.
    CKx

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  31. I'm sorry I missed this on the day but our internet connection has been down.

    Sending a belated hug - I can imagine how difficult it was & is for you as I too had a prem baby & know how scary it is, luckily, like your Master Poppins he came through with flying colours.

    Love to you all,
    Jayne

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  32. Mary, I've been in tears over your post. I simply have no answer to your grief, it's unbearable. I've been thinking of you. xxx

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  33. I found this poem and thought of you Mary and your beautiful Joshua.

    "You came into my world silently
    though I knew you before
    I lifted you up into the shelter of my arms
    And wrapped you up in my heart"

    Thinking of you sweety.
    (((hugs)))

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  34. No words....just thoughts, love and hugs, from one Mum to another.

    Sue xx

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  35. a very moving post. Hang on to to the little ones that you have. xx

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  36. I have no words.

    ((((Huge Hugs))))

    xxxxxx

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Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. X